Sunday, 26 March 2017

A Letter to my Mum


I cannot begin to thank you for everything that you have done for me over the last twenty-one years. I've said it before and I'll continue saying it until I'm blue in the face, but everything I am is because of you. I couldn't have finished my degree without you. Hell, I couldn't have started my degree without you. You inspire me everyday. I can only hope that I turn out to be half the person that you are. Even if we argue sometimes, you are the person I most want to be.

Happy Mother's Day, Mum.
I love you.

Monday, 20 March 2017


Hi, my name is Nicole, and I'm obsessed with lipstick.

Anyone who knows me in 'real life' will know that this is true. I guess it started around the time we went to sixth form, because we didn't have uniform requirements and could therefore be a little more 'adventurous' than in years 7-11.

My favourite lipstick colour to this day is a classic postbox red, and I wore this to sixth form most days. Not everyday, but most days. I will pretty much always wear a red lip on nights out and for special occasions, and over time it has sort of become my trademark.

But the reason I started wearing it at all is not what you may think. It was not just a case of me liking the colour and wanting to wear it, for me it was so much more than that. It was about confidence. Anyone who knows me well will know that I am painfully shy and always have been. I am terrible at making conversation and I am perfectly happy sitting in silence with people unless I'm directly spoken to. I would rather listen than talk, and that's the way it's always been for me. So I started wearing red lipstick as a way of faking the confidence that I thought I should have had.

I can't remember for the life of me where I heard this from, but I read or heard somewhere a piece of advice that went: 'sometimes you just have to fake it to make it.' And this has always kinda stuck with me. I had just started sixth form, I was just turning eighteen, and I was surrounded by my friends, who were so beautiful, so confident and so self-assured, and I've just never been that way. So I faked it. I would wear my red lipstick and attempt to convince everyone that I had at least a shred of self-confidence, even though I didn't. On the days when I felt the most crap about myself, those are the days that I would make the most effort.

I faked it. And I continue faking it to this day. Self-confidence isn't something that I have in spades, so faking it has become part of my daily routine. Sometimes you've just gotta fake it to make it, and if you can't convince yourself, then you won't be able to convince anyone else.

Wednesday, 15 March 2017

Who Am I?

The particularly observant of you out there will notice that I haven't posted for a couple of weeks. There have been a number of reasons for this. One is that I've been incredibly ill, and haven't left the house for the best part of a week. Tonsillitis is the worst pain that I have ever known, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

The second is that I'm... lost. With this blog, with everything. My time at university is coming to an end, and I have absolutely no idea what I'm supposed to do now.  My entire life, I've had a clear plan in my head. I've spent every single day working towards it. I've done everything that I'm supposed to do. And yet it is still so far away. So close, but so far. God knows, I'm trying. I'm trying my hardest. I don't want to let anyone down. I don't want to be a burden. But I also don't want to end up in a job that I hate. The problem is that I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'm twenty-one years old, and I feel like I should have life figured out by now. I look around and see all the people my age who have their lives together, and I can't help but compare myself to them.

Okay, I've gone off on a bit of a tangent. I'll tell you exactly what brought this on. My dad surprised me with a new book today: The Million Dollar Blog by Natasha Courtenay-Smith. He's so cute it almost kills me, but that's not the point. The book talks about figuring out exactly what you're trying to say, and what you want your blog to represent.

So I guess that's what I'm trying to figure out really. What am I trying to say? What am I trying to represent? Who the bloody hell am I?